I wanted to get back online after taking a siesta for two years. Can you believe it’s been that long? Neither can I. I’ve missed you all. So much has happened that I don’t know where to start. I want this blog to be an outlet of miracles. My hope is that you will all start to notice synchronicities going on around you all the time. Manifesting your dreams starts with paying attention to what you are doing and how your thoughts are attached. For instance, today I woke up thinking – Sandy, today you need to get your web site up and online again. I was surprised to feel this thought and even winced at the idea since I am password deficient. I have to reset my passwords all the time; it’s that bad. I don’t even want to go near anything with a password, because I know it will just frustrate me to no end. But today it happened. I really don’t know how. But it did.
Plus, I figured it would cost me a bunch of money and I had no plan on what to say, but here I am. As it turned out, I launched this site on June 12th of last year and left it hanging. Doors wide open. I totally picked it up after having to reset my password again, and found it ready to go. No exchange of money needed. All paid up until June of 2013. Seriously? You’ve GOT to be kidding me!
No Ma’am. That’s what happens when you’re mind is so frustrated with three years of anti-cancer medication. The first year was spent on Tamoxifen, before moving to Femara. At the time it was ok, but then my body changed again coming out of menopause. Back on Tamoxifen I went and I hated it. Or at least I had no idea how much I was missing. My story changes but I have a massive spreadsheet with all the details. As a breast cancer survivor, if you are still ovulating, then you get to take Tamoxifen. If you are menopausal, then there are aromatase inhibitors like Femara, Letrazole, and Anastrazole. I tried them all. Everyone of them had worse side effects the farther I was away from my initial diagnosis which was February 12, 2009. Until, I was becoming so frustrated with each one documenting side effects that I was on the last option and that was Anastrazole. I could barely sleep on my side, which is my favorite position to sleep in, because my organs felt like they were on fire. My entire body ached and I couldn’t get anything done. Actually, all I did was write. They call it a fugue state but I didn’t know what to call it. All of my plans with friends kept dissipating until I was happy to be left alone in my hello kitty pajamas left to write on my IMAC. That would have been ok, but it went on for about 6 weeks and before I knew it, I had lice. Yep, that bad. You can call it being in the flow and I was completely inspired to write. The words just flowed out of me. About 300K words and that’s just half of it. I guess it just had to be written.
My oncologist suggested that I try taking the medication once every day or once every three days he begged. “Just take it as much as you possibly can!” he’d say. That made it worse because the more time that passed without the prescription, the better I started to feel. So much so that when I did take it once every few days it made me ill. I could feel the effects immediately. So, then I took it even less. One day I stopped taking it all together. I just could not tolerate any of them any more. Like a line drawn in the sand. I was done.
Left hanging out in the open, like the door to this web site, I was wandering lost. Not sure what to do. I’d already talked to my doctor and he wanted me to take anything any time, but I wouldn’t dare any more. Then, every single day that I was off of the medication, I started to remember things. More and more information started to come back to me. I would wake up thinking to myself, Where have you been Sandy? OMG! Random memories would show up at the darndest times. And my dreams were getting more and more vivid and surreal. I remembered what day it was. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have to go to work. Who pays the bills around here? And the scariest one was when I realized that I actually did live at home, yet again. Dude, what haaappened?
At the same time, my body was feeling better and better and then I felt as if I was wearing a huge crown on my head. The pressure and the weight would go back and forth from one side of my brain to the other, yet I felt totally awake after being asleep for so long. I didn’t know what was happening and wasn’t sure who to tell until I was getting a reflexology session with a dear friend who understands me. She said, it sounds like your temple chakras are opening up and the two hemispheres of your brain on becoming more and more active. Yes! That made perfect sense to me. This happened on and off for about a month until I felt like I was an active participant in our community again with all of my bearings back into place.
If you’ve never had brain fog or just felt like you didn’t know what was going on and didn’t have enough information to think about something, then you can start to understand this feeling. Seriously, I woke up and couldn’t figure out why I was living at home again and where had the time gone for the past two years? But at the same time I’d wake up and know what to do and where to go and how I thought about it. It was amazing. Every single day was a life altering epiphany. I was like a child remembering my past. Everything was new and shiny all over again. That’s when I decided that I wanted to go back to school. It was time. I’d made the bold move unwillingly to step out of corporate madness and into the generosity and happiness from being a communitarian. Breast Cancer kick started my path onto a new road. But now, I wanted financial independence that came along with following your dreams, at least now that I could remember my dreams. And that’s how I got into the Leadership Institute for Nonprofit Executives and love every minute of it.
Follow me as I continue the conversation.